The irksome tone of voice with haughty words instantly ticked me off. I let those words and what I perceived as cruelty sink inside. The tone. The words. It festered and bubbled inside of me. As the day grew longer, I grew quieter.
I allowed the tone and words to take root. Not only did I let those current words take root, I permitted words of the past join in and form a new song. I became my own bully.
If you were only fun. If you would lighten up. If you were thinner others would like you. If you weren’t so embarrassing. If you wouldn’t expect so much from others. You’re pathetic. Everyone is better than you. You aren’t good enough.
Even though I would love to blame that irksome voice with haughty words, I need to take responsibility of my reaction. I am accountable. My reaction shows my heart.*
And, 99.999% of the time? I fail.
Perhaps it is my selfishness and/or I secretly want the person to suffer because of my anger. I want to hold on to those feelings. I act like a bratty child who has just thrown herself, kicking and screaming, onto the floor because life isn’t fair! And, I.want.fair.
Nine times out of ten the person has no idea of my inner turmoil. Nine times out of ten I’ve blown it out of proportion. I tend to do that because remember…I expect too much out of people. Sigh.
What if I accepted others as mere humans like I am. What if I just let “that tone” and “those words” bounce off the target. What if I would be more gentle with myself and the response to those who hurt my sensitive self. What if God was seen through my response instead of my selfishness rearing its ugly head.
But, grace. Grace for the outside voices. Grace for the inside voices. A life lived with woven threads of grace pointing to Him.
God, thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for loving me in spite of me. May my heart be humbled with your presence in my everyday. May gentle reminders of Your love pop up in front of me every minute of every hour. I need You, Lord, in the everyday. May Your glory show through grace. May I show love instead of anger. May I talk of Your greatness and not mine. Let me remember to seek You and not others. May I point others to you. Help me be brave in Your ways and will. Amen.
*What I’m learning from Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst